Initial News

So…I'm starting my blog.  I've looked and looked and have found very little information available about other people's experiences with kidney failure.  So here's mine, and, as usual, I am late…my doctor let me know my kidneys were starting to fail 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my son; they were functioning at about 70%.  Two years later, almost 60%…I made the suggested changes, eating very little meat, drinking less than 50 oz of liquid a day, and I quickly and easily adjusted to the changes. 

Last winter, my doctor(not his nurse or a receptionist) called me to say he had bad news after my most recent lab work.  He wasn't explicit, but he wanted me to come in and retake the labs as he hoped there was an error.  There was no mistake, the lab work indicated that my kidneys were functioning at 13%. He had never seen such a quick drop in performance. He explained to me I had end stage renal disease(ESRD) and that I would be on dialysis within the next 12 months. I searched for ways to repair my kidneys or slow down the process, but the end result was inevitable.  I lived for next few months in a weird, psuedo-aware-but-not-accepting limbo. 





Resentfully, I started the process to prepare for dialysis, learning about different types of therapies, how I would live, what I would need, and trying to find out what to expect. My life continued without any grave changes. I still worked, I still cared for my kids, I still got speeding tickets, I still enjoyed roasting marshmallows. But I started to feel the weight, just emotionally at first. I worried about sharing the news with the people who cared about me, how it would effect them.  I dreaded telling my father; I hated giving him news that made him feel helpless. I couldn't think of ways for people to help me. People told me how strong I was, but I didn't feel that way. 





I felt damaged and dependent. I felt alone and scared.